This letter is part of my 24th wedding anniversary celebration: a series of intimate glimpses that reveal what is possible for you in love, sex, and personal growth with stories from my/our journey.
I'm emailing a bit more than usual this month, so if you want to pause my emails until August, just click here.
OkReader, I'm jumping right in: My body is wrong. I’m six years old. It’s a 90 degree day at the Montezuma County public pool. I see my cousin Vicki walking toward me and I wonder why she got so lucky. Her tummy is as flat as a pool table. Her bottom is round like an apple. I don't know how I know that her body is right and mine is wrong, but I know. My tummy is round and my bottom is flat. And I am ashamed. Fast-forward: I’m in high school. My mom is the mom all my friends can talk to about boys, alcohol, periods… She’s a nurse, sex-positive and body-positive. She talks openly and encourages self-pleasure. But even inside the feminist sex-positive bubble of our home, I have absorbed the distrust and disgust in our culture for the female body. I refuse to use tampons without an applicator. I won't explore my vulva with my own fingers, though my boyfriends do. It won't be until I’m 20 and lying on my mint-striped comforter racking up a huge phone bill with my boyfriend in Montana that I finally break the seal of my own panties. Unable to have in-person s3x with him, I’m settling for phone s3x, and he tells me exactly what to do. I finally discover that my fingers can make me feel everything his can, and more. And that it’s not gross to touch or smell or taste my own fluids. Before I learned to treasure my body's contours, textures, scents, and tastes, I absorbed messages that all of the above were wrong. And my appetite for sex was wrong, too. So many other women tell me they share my experience: We loved s3x as young women. We had wild and joyful play with many people before “settling down.” I didn’t like the emotional toll that so many breakups took on me, but there was another reason I became a “born-again virgin” too: I prized the cosigning of my virtue that engagement and marriage gave me. I didn’t ever really feel entitled to my liberation. Many women share with me that we value our independence and our wildness, and yet, there is a part of us that never feels quite safe without the validation of a man who has chosen us and committed to protect us. (I know that’s not everyone, so don’t send me hate mail. This is just my trajectory.) And sometimes, we choose someone who helps us feel "good" as in virtuous, over someone who helps us feel good... as in alive. But that doesn't necessarily mean we're with the wrong person, even if we're having the not-quite-right relationship with them. It just bears exploration. I’ve unpacked all these internalized messages and contradictions. I've come to love myself, my appetites, my body, my mistakes, and my journey. I've crafted the marriage I deserve and anointed the king I knew my husband could be. Another thing: My body has carried two babies to term. I also, for 20 years, ate my feelings. When I got into recovery for food addiction (I used sugar and flour the way an alcoholic uses booze) I put down the weight of three times as much as I would ever want to carry on a backpacking trip. Consequently, I have skin to spare on my upper arms, around my torso, and especially above and below my navel. My ripples are my version of a recovering heroin addict’s track marks. But today, I love every inch of me, more than I ever did when my skin was taut and unblemished. I have looked myself in the eye and gone into the underworld to reclaim my sweet soul. I love to facilitate this journey for other women as well. Unearthing all these contradictions, aligning our motivations on the side of our own goodness, worth, and fullest expression, and learning to care for ourselves in ways that make us available for the lives we truly want, rather than in ways that just get us through this day... These are the conversations I love to have with women, and that's the reason I'm carving out space in my life for a mentorship program like nothing I've ever seen. I'll be opening the doors in a few days, and if you resonate with the stories I've been sharing this month, I hope you'll consider joining us. I would love to be on your team, to hold a sacred space for you to
That's what Receive is all about. You join once and I’m on your team for the long haul. Sign up for the waitlist here, and you'll be the first to know when doors open. Thanks for reading this far If you missed any of the other messages in this series, you can read them here:
There are two stories left. They're getting more raw and naked as I go. Kurt and I have been talking a lot about our mission. These revelations are part of our joint purpose in this world. It's embarrassing. We probably wouldn't have chose to talk about all these things if we'd felt we had a choice. But it feels like it chose us, and it's definitely a way to alchemize our past miseries into blessings for others suffering in the same ways. I'll be back soon with those last peeks into these past 27 years. Meantime, we're planning for a week alone in August while the kids are in Alaska! Eee!! Love love, P.S.: Next week I'm opening registration for my new relationship & s.x mentorship program, RECEIVE. Learn more and be the first to know when doors open. |
If you can imagine more pleasure, more intimacy, more aliveness... then you were built for it and you have what it takes to create it. Subscribe to learn how with my weekly Love Notes.
Hi Reader, I know this sounds counterintuitive but the patterns that make your relationship “pretty good" actually prevent your GREAT relationship. If you don't believe me, here's one example: Let's look at how you handle your fear of discomfort and authenticity. In bad relationships, people are often incapable of handling their own discomfort. They avoid difficult conversations or react without thinking about how their words and actions will land with their partner. They try to protect...
I said, “If you don't want to come toward me sexually, if you don't want to go deeper, I understand, and it's okay... "But I'm ready for more, and I know you haven't been willing to opening up our marriage in the past, but I'm not asking this time. I'm telling you. "I feel like I'm suffocating, and I'm going to unilaterally pursue other sexual connections. "I don't not want to be married, I just don't want to be celibate.” It wasn't just the words I was saying that Kurt heard. It was the...
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