OkReader,

I'm jumping right in:

My body is wrong.

I’m six years old. It’s a 90 degree day at the Montezuma County public pool.

I see my cousin Vicki walking toward me and I wonder why she got so lucky. Her tummy is as flat as a pool table. Her bottom is round like an apple.

I don't know how I know that her body is right and mine is wrong, but I know.

My tummy is round and my bottom is flat. And I am ashamed.

Fast-forward: I’m in high school.

My mom is the mom all my friends can talk to about boys, alcohol, periods… She’s a nurse, sex-positive and body-positive. She talks openly and encourages self-pleasure.

But even inside the feminist sex-positive bubble of our home, I have absorbed the distrust and disgust in our culture for the female body.

I refuse to use tampons without an applicator. I won't explore my vulva with my own fingers, though my boyfriends do.

It won't be until I’m 20 and lying on my mint-striped comforter racking up a huge phone bill with my boyfriend in Montana that I finally break the seal of my own panties.

Unable to have in-person s3x with him, I’m settling for phone s3x, and he tells me exactly what to do.

I finally discover that my fingers can make me feel everything his can, and more. And that it’s not gross to touch or smell or taste my own fluids.

Before I learned to treasure my body's contours, textures, scents, and tastes, I absorbed messages that all of the above were wrong. And my appetite for sex was wrong, too.

So many other women tell me they share my experience: We loved s3x as young women.

We had wild and joyful play with many people before “settling down.” I didn’t like the emotional toll that so many breakups took on me, but there was another reason I became a “born-again virgin” too:

I prized the cosigning of my virtue that engagement and marriage gave me. I didn’t ever really feel entitled to my liberation.

Many women share with me that we value our independence and our wildness, and yet, there is a part of us that never feels quite safe without the validation of a man who has chosen us and committed to protect us. (I know that’s not everyone, so don’t send me hate mail. This is just my trajectory.)

And sometimes, we choose someone who helps us feel "good" as in virtuous, over someone who helps us feel good... as in alive. But that doesn't necessarily mean we're with the wrong person, even if we're having the not-quite-right relationship with them. It just bears exploration.

I’ve unpacked all these internalized messages and contradictions. I've come to love myself, my appetites, my body, my mistakes, and my journey.

I've crafted the marriage I deserve and anointed the king I knew my husband could be.

Another thing: My body has carried two babies to term. I also, for 20 years, ate my feelings.

When I got into recovery for food addiction (I used sugar and flour the way an alcoholic uses booze) I put down the weight of three times as much as I would ever want to carry on a backpacking trip.

Consequently, I have skin to spare on my upper arms, around my torso, and especially above and below my navel.

My ripples are my version of a recovering heroin addict’s track marks.

But today, I love every inch of me, more than I ever did when my skin was taut and unblemished.

I have looked myself in the eye and gone into the underworld to reclaim my sweet soul. I love to facilitate this journey for other women as well.

Unearthing all these contradictions, aligning our motivations on the side of our own goodness, worth, and fullest expression, and learning to care for ourselves in ways that make us available for the lives we truly want, rather than in ways that just get us through this day... These are the conversations I love to have with women, and that's the reason I'm carving out space in my life for a mentorship program like nothing I've ever seen.

I'll be opening the doors in a few days, and if you resonate with the stories I've been sharing this month, I hope you'll consider joining us. I would love to be on your team, to hold a sacred space for you to

• Build relational skillfulness
• Expand your capacity to receive,
• Find the words to name and ask for what you truly desire
• Say no to that which no longer serves you
• Explore the edges of what you love or would like to love
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That's what Receive is all about. You join once and I’m on your team for the long haul.

​Sign up for the waitlist here, and you'll be the first to know when doors open.

Thanks for reading this far If you missed any of the other messages in this series, you can read them here:

1. ​"From fighting all night to resolving conflicts with ease"​
2. ​"The sure-fire way to feel like your spouse's parent"​
3. ​"I would've left if it weren't for this"​
4. ​"I was allergic to being happy"​

There are two stories left. They're getting more raw and naked as I go. Kurt and I have been talking a lot about our mission. These revelations are part of our joint purpose in this world. It's embarrassing. We probably wouldn't have chose to talk about all these things if we'd felt we had a choice. But it feels like it chose us, and it's definitely a way to alchemize our past miseries into blessings for others suffering in the same ways.

I'll be back soon with those last peeks into these past 27 years. Meantime, we're planning for a week alone in August while the kids are in Alaska! Eee!!

Love love,

P.S.: Next week I'm opening registration for my new relationship & s.x mentorship program, RECEIVE. Learn more and be the first to know when doors open.​

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Michele Lisenbury Christensen, MA Host of the Sex.Love.Power Podcast Love & Sex Coach for women, men, and couples ​ ​lisenbury.com​