Oh, Reader!

When we first got together, Kurt and I had these fights that went on for hours. One night, we’re in our driveway. I’m so angry with Kurt, I pull my engagement ring - his grandmother’s platinum filigree heirloom - off my finger and hurl it at him. I love that ring, but I’m so hurt and overwhelmed, I want to SHOW him how much he’s breaking my heart. The ring bounces off him and rolls into the alley. And just then, before either of us can run and get it, a car drives by… Thankfully, the ring goes under the body, not the wheels of the car. But my eyes widen and my breath catches. I can’t believe I took that risk. But of course, I was completely out of my rational mind.

Many other times, I would run after Kurt from room to room when we were both activated. He just wanted to withdraw, but I knew I wouldn't be able to go to sleep, as upset as I was. And the next day, we’d both have what I called an “emotional hangover” - just wrung out from all the stress hormones raging through our systems.

I hope you don't get as unhinged as we used to, 25 years ago. But I share all these embarrassing details to let you know: I get what it's like to lose control of yourself.

And I know what it's like to feel helpless and powerless to have things be better in terms of intense conflict. So, however extreme or moderate your conflict problems are, I'm here to tell you it can get better.

You can create habits of communication and capacity for self-regulation within yourself. Regardless of what your partner does, regardless of what the conflict is, you can hold your own shape. You can stay you and both you and the relationship can have a good day, even if your partner relates in not-so-constructive ways.

Right now, there's so much conversation about labeling people: “this person's a narcissist” and “that person is love avoidant.” I know learning about some of these categories: our attachment styles, our childhood adaptation patterns, and so on, is really useful. That said, characterizing an entire person really paints us into a corner and can put us back in the same helplessness we had before we found those useful distinctions or categories.

What I recommend instead is looking together or on your own to see what the patterns are. Once you know what they are, don't label people. Instead, focus your efforts on those moments where your prefrontal cortex is just beginning to consider going offline…Where you're just about to get really activated, about to lose your center. That moment is the sacred ground. That is the magic instant where you can reclaim yourself. You can take one step back instead of having to take 20 or to chase somebody else from room to room hollering like me in ‘98.

You can take a breath and calm down. You can tend to the part of yourself that has gotten activated. You can get more curious instead of more adamant or more defensive. By cultivating that intimacy with yourself first you can dramatically reduce the amount of time and energy you're spending on the conflict. You can eliminate the emotional hangovers.

Almost three decades later, Kurt and I don't exhaust ourselves with our conflicts the way we did back in the day. I know that a lot of couples who were as reactive as we were aren't together anymore.

If you fear for your relationship's future or you despair that you will never find a relationship that both you and the other person want to stick with for the long run, finding a way to hold on to yourself through those conflicts is key.

It can be done. I teach my clients numerous tools that help people stay with themselves and knit a close, supportive relationship with the parts of them that have flown into battle or run in retreat. They learn to soothe themselves, to slow conversations down, to be curious and kind and firm all at once. I want you to know that’s possible.

If you knew you could have a much smoother experience of conflict, what would that make possible in your relationship?

Love love,

Michele Lisenbury Christensen, MA Host of the Sex.Love.Power Podcast Love & Sex Coach for women, men, and couples ​ ​lisenbury.com​

PS: In addition to having access to tools, it really helps to have a community of people who share a language and a set of practices, who can support you to implement those tools when things get intense. And that’s why I’m introducing a new program that’s focused on not only tools and access to coaching with me, but also a community of other amazing folks who are practicing the same skills.

I’ll tell you more about that community learning aspect later. But before that, I think you’ll want to look out for my next message if you’ve ever said:

• “He’s like a big kid… I feel like my husband is another one of my children”
• “He has no clue about half of what I do”
• OR “I have so many things in my head I need to get done… I can’t seem to turn it off and get in the mood for sex. Of course he can! I handle everything!”

I’ll share what I’ve experienced around all the shared labor - physical, mental, and emotional - that goes into maintaining a home and a family (even if it’s just the two of you) and how that affects our connection and erotic chemistry. And… no surprise: I’ve got good news! If you’ve been frustrated, the positive potential is probably lots greater than you’ve imagined.