Hey, Reader,

When I was pregnant with Cooper, I was a rabid beast pursuing childbirth and new-parent education. We were prepared within an inch of our lives.

My midwife teased me: "Do you have the baby's Harvard application filled out yet?"

One of the classes Kurt and I took (along with more than 40 hours of birth prep, which absolutely paid off, btw!) was designed by marriage researcher John Gottman called “Bringing Baby Home.”

He'd found that marital satisfaction reaches an all-time low within 18 months after the arrival of a first child. Gulp.

We fought to buck that statistic. The class prepared us to navigate the communication, fatigue, and intimacy challenges of new parenthood in many ways.

One learning stood out for me, though: if you want to have a partner, let him be one.

Before our baby arrived, I was warned that I might, like many mothers, think I'm better at taking care of babies and kids than my partner. Sure, I'm the bigger nerd about pregnancy, birth, babies, parenting, and psychology, but that doesn’t mean I’m actually the superior parent.

It doesn’t mean our child can’t benefit from two different approaches or that Kurt’s way is less nourishing than mine. It just means I’m a nerd. ;)

Kurt appreciates that I bring fresh, diverse tools and perspectives from both time-honored traditions and the latest brain science to everything in our lives—from parenting to health, to interior decor, to travel.

But my attention to detail often means that I, like many women, end up carrying a disproportionate share of the mental and emotional labor of running our home and family.

Whether you have kids or not, you might feel like you do more. Not just physically around the house, but also in remembering and planning everything—from holiday cards to grocery lists to making plans for your next camping trip. And you probably do, if other women are any indication.

Holding all this in your head can make it hard to relax and feel present. Are you able to slow your thoughts and travel down into your body enough to really feel deep turn-on and your appetite for erotic connection?

Have you said any of these?

• “He’s like a big kid… I feel like my husband is another one of my children”
• “He has no clue about half of what I do”
• “I have so many things in my head I need to get done… I can’t seem to turn it off and get in the mood for sex. Of course he can! I handle everything!”

If so, you're not alone.

I was so annoyed at one point when I was convinced, "he asks me 'where's the ______ before he even looks! It's like I'm his lady-in-waiting, and my brain cells are his to command, so his can rest!" If I had to tell him one more time where the mustard - which is always in the same spot, even if I've had to move it there, I was going to explode!

But I realized I needed to be more vulnerable than that if I really wanted change. I learned to talk openly with him about the feelings and meanings behind "where's the mustard?" and he GOT IT.

To live a life of turn-on and deep intimacy, it’s crucial to cultivate a real partnership where you feel seen and supported. Sharing the load equitably—not necessarily equally, but fairly—respecting both your time and energy, can create huge shifts.

It comes down to this: It's impossible to have a deep, sweet love or a red-hot, passionate love affair with someone who takes you for granted, demands your labor, or values their time more than yours.

Over the seventeen years since “Bringing Baby Home”, Kurt has stepped up. He is a magnificent partner in both the "dad things" many involved husbands do and many other technical tasks.... and, significantly, the conception and planning - all those invisible hours of mental labor - that make our home and family life thrive.

I take some of the credit for the partnership we enjoy today, built on those devoted efforts to communicate in ways that are constructive, vulnerable and respectful.

I don’t always succeed; sometimes I voice my judgments instead of my feelings. Big surprise!: That doesn’t work well. Not with my husband and probably not with anyone you care about. So I know how much discipline it takes when we're activated to cool down and be thoughtful, respectful and kind.

Growing up, I saw my mom, aunts, and grandmothers do a disproportionate share of the labor and extract their payback through back-handed sniping and rage-eating.

Even as a kid, I knew it didn’t feel good. I’ve had to unlearn those patterns in the trenches of my own relationships. How about you?

What were you taught about shared labor and entitlement to choose how you spend your time? What patterns have arisen in your own relationships?

Magnificent love requires that both partners having passions and the freedom to pursue them, even though it takes time away from the couple or family. Supporting each other's dreams works better with open communication, planning, and transparency, rather than stealing time and dealing with resentment later.

I want you to know: it is possible for you to have a partnership that is mutually respectful, deeply loving, and makes room for the humanity of everyone.

It's possible to have a relationship that allows both people the intimacy of fully participating in their family and pursue their own interests, pleasure, and rejuvenation.

It's possible to talk about issues that you have not been able to put your finger on, to have conversations that used to set off dismissiveness or blow ups.

It is possible to communicate constructively and vulnerably.

And it's worth it.

I know this has been a long one... Thanks for sticking with me thsi far!

Before you go, tell me something? I'm so curious:

Thanks for letting me share my story. If you missed my last story about how Kurt and I went from fighting all night to resolving conflicts with ease (and the awful day I threw my wedding ring at him and it rolled under a passing car), you can read that one here.

Love love,

P.S.: In my next email, I'll let you in on the annoying-but-true thought that helped me stay "in it" when my marriage was at its most painful and frustrating. If you 're not sure if your relationship is worth working on, this will help you either double down and make it great or leave knowing what you need to do to thrive in the next one (or single). See you soon!

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Michele Lisenbury Christensen, MA Host of the Sex.Love.Power Podcast Love & Sex Coach for women, men, and couples ​ ​lisenbury.com​