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Hey, Reader,

When I was younger, I almost always had a boyfriend.

I dated some truly wonderful, loving humans (you know who you are!). But often, I would hurt them by being distant, being unfaithful, or breaking up with them because I couldn't really stand to bask in the light of their steady, clear, healthy love for me. It didn't feel comfortable.

Other partners didn't quite see me, didn't quite value me, and eventually broke up with me. When they did, on numerous occasions, I clung, building up the relationship in my own mind, and groveling “No, I need you! I love you! I want you!” when that wasn't ever really true. I should have broken up with them! But I lacked the self-respect or confidence to listen to my own knowing.

By the time I was 23 I had repeated both of those humiliating patterns many, many times. I finally promised myself, “Okay: No more sex with people I don't love and have real safety with. And no more seeking attention from multiple people at once.” I didn't want to be dishonest anymore. I wanted a better reputation with myself. I changed that pattern.

Then I met a really sweet, funny guy at church. He was an architecture student, well read and clever. He'd been a raft guide... He was outdoorsy and muscular and had gorgeous cinnamon eyes and a great laugh. When he, in his careful, gentle way, showed me he wanted to be with me, I let him in. I committed to building our relationship on a foundation of soul and honesty.

I told him I didn't want to have sex until I was sure that we were going somewhere in the long run. He proposed four months later. Last week, we celebrated 24 of years of marriage.

Our relationship was not, it turns out, founded on honesty and safety... it's had many more twists and turns, but I share that chapter because it's an example of how I started learning from a pretty young age, both to make really bad relationship choices and to see my patterns and change them.

Not everyone knows that you can change your relationship patterns. However many relationships you've been through, however many marriages you've been through, however little hope you have for keeping a relationship that's healthy long term, I am here to tell you that it's possible.

I was a child of divorce and remarriage. Many relationship dynamics in my extended family that I would not want to repeat were coded into me from a very young age: substance abuse, infidelity, sex addiction, and plain old patriarchal disrespect and gender roles.

I'm guessing you may have seen modeling of relationship patterns you don't care to repeat, even if you have repeated them in the past.

I want you to know that you, too, can see the patterns and change them.

You can create relationships of your own design that reflect your values rather than just reflecting inherited relationship patterns.

One quick question before I leave you:

Thanks for reading my story. If you missed any of the other stories in this series, you can read them here:

1. ​"From fighting all night to resolving conflicts with ease"​
2. ​"The sure-fire way to feel like your spouse's parent"​
3. ​"I would've left if it weren't for this"​

And I'll be back soon... The next few stories are related to the e.rotic, so if you want some inspiration in that arena, keep your eyes peeled for my name in your inbox.

Talk to you soon! xoxo

Love love,

P.S.: Next week I'm opening registration for my new relationship & sex mentorship program, RECEIVE. Learn more and be the first to know when doors open.​

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Michele Lisenbury Christensen, MA Host of the Sex.Love.Power Podcast Love & Sex Coach for women, men, and couples ​ ​lisenbury.com​