“NO!” I growled, in a voice that didn’t sound like my own. Ruby, our 12 week old puppy, was bounding away, ears bouncing, so happy! Problem was, she had my beloved new Sandgrens peep-toe clog in her mouth, little minx!

Out of control! Ruining my favorite stuff! THIS is exactly why I was dead-set against getting a dog, all these years, while my children begged and almost EVERY other family got one during the pandemic.

I had to set the limit in the moment, conveying with my whole body and voice what she needed to do next. “Drop it!”

I used to think I was pretty good at slowing down, being present, and communicating clearly what I want in a way that invites cooperation. You know who’s really inviting me to up my game?

THIS little gal. ⤵️

Having a new puppy - Kurt’s and my first in our adult lives - is a crucial relational learning curve for us. She came to teach us love, but we have to teach her, too.

Because to have a good dog, you have to condition your new puppy with love, rewards, and clear limits. You have to let her know what you DO want, not just wait for her to frustrate you and then get mad at her. Never have I had to be so deliberate about my tone of voice, and my split-second reactions when she’s excited and wants to jump up or curious and wants to bite.

But I’m realizing all these skills I need to be a good canine leader (as our trainer calls it) are skills I’ve been honing and teaching for years.

What do I want?

Am I willing to back myself up on that desire and let myself lead with it?

How do I communicate my request?

What is my (constructive!) plan B when I’m not getting what I want?

My dog is teaching me even more about clarity and intentionality and how much more my energy conveys than simply the words I speak.

But so many of my clients tell me they’re frustrated in love:

“I wonder if it’s too late to find The One.”

“Maybe our relationship is just going to be like THIS (stuck at lukewarm). Maybe that’s inevitable.”

“I’ve got a great life. Maybe my hunger for more is just my own inability to be happy with what I have.”

I tell them: It is NOT too late. You are NOT doomed to a life sentence in The Roommate Zone. And you are not asking too much of life when you imagine how good it will feel to have more passion, more closeness, and more partnership.

If you feel like your desires go beyond the relationships you see around you… It’s because you’re a VISIONARY about love. It’s NOT because you’re unrealistic or too demanding.

Your DESIRE is a trustworthy guide, not a temptress leading you astray.

Our entire culture has been teaching you:

• Don’t ask for too much in love… or especially in bed!
• Long-term love inevitably cools off to a tepid parallel existence. You’ll be lucky if you even have affection left in your later decades. Passion? Forget it!
• Bodies change. Feeling lousy in and about yours? Par for the course.

To all these, I say “WRONG.” Who is served by those beliefs? It sure as day isn’t YOU.

And your beloved - current or future - isn’t either. Nor are the young people in your life, looking to you as a model of what’s possible.

ALL of us are counting on you to have the courage to cast off the stories you were told about your desire, your passion, your physical pleasure, and your vulnerability and to write your own.

And if you are open to the idea that you CAN

• Discern what you want
• Blast through the obstacles to feeling GREAT about your desires, vs. guilty, worried about how they might harm others, or scared that acknowledging them is just setting yourself up for disappointment
• Double down on your desires - back them, even before anyone else does
• Practice asking for what you do want and saying that magic, complete sentence that starts with n and ends with “oh!” to what you don’t… and get more comfortable with both, every day

Then the world will roll out the red carpet for you to sashay right toward everything you yearn for, in love, in bed, and beyond.

Just like training my puppy takes practice, getting intimate with what you want will, too.

If just asking yourself “What do I really desire?” kinda gives you the willies, you’re not alone.

But if you’ll take a tiny peek at what you already know about what you desire… Or what you’re done with…

You’ll open the door to learning a ton about what you’re actually built to enjoy.

See, I believe we’re wired to run on pleasure. On intimacy. On joy. And that our desires are the guides to what that looks like, for us specifically. So understanding your unique desires is key.

And it all starts with a few key questions:

What would I want if I knew I could have it?

What story am I telling myself about why I shouldn’t either want what I want or ask for it?

What alternative story might be at least as true?

If you’re not letting yourself know what you want, you can’t possibly get there.

If you don’t bring your unconscious blocks to having what you want into the light, they’ll keep blocking you from doing things differently.

And if you don’t write new beliefs and build new habits and standards, your old ones will recreate lukewarm love and other so-so life experiences over and over.

And that’ll be ok.

But is THAT okay?

Look at me… IS OKAY WHAT YOU CAME TO THIS LIFE FOR?!?!
​
I. Didn’t. Think so.

Me. Neither.

So – my motto this summer, as I enter my Canine Leader era?

Clarity. Calm. Confidence.

I’m coming from love. I’m clear on what I want. I’m conveying it intentionally. I know what I’ll do if I don’t get it.

And it’s given rise to a lovely new bundle of resources I can’t wait to share with you. 🎉

You probably already know you can count on me for love & intimacy guidance that helps you go deeper…

…and I can’t wait for you to see what I’ve got up my sleeve this time.

Stay tuned for next week.
​

Love love,

Michele Lisenbury Christensen, MA Host of the Sx.Love.Power Podcast​ Love & Sx Coach for women, men, and couples ​ ​lisenbury.com​

P.S.: I adore this dog. We didn’t know the breeder yet, but the day she was conceived, I felt the knowing inside: “I’m ready for a dog.” She probably WILL destroy some stuff I like. But this little spiritual teacher is my GIRL. Desire brought her to me, and she’s teaching me tons already.

P.P.S. Treat your desire like the guide she is.